Sunday, June 29, 2014

Moving home and shedding my skin

Anyone that has gone through the roller coaster journey of buying a home will be able to sympathise  with the feelings I have just been through. 
The emotions, the tantrums, the worries,  the ups and DOWNS,  the high anxiety, sleepless nights and the stress. 
By god the stress is not good, it seems its just part of the process no matter what you do to stifle its appearance. 

It's  one of those things that creeps up so silently and can give you an almighty fright when it appears. It shakes you up all over,  makes you feel unbalanced, unhinged and overwhelmed. The pressure, the headaches, racing heart  and the tiredness.  They are certainly feelings I was glad to finally shake! 
The ups  and downs are flipping hard. The houses that you can actually see your self living in,  that you can see your furniture in and just know are yours  slipped through your fingers  and to know someone else will be the residents. 

The open for inspections, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND  and nothing really speaking to you. The auctions where houses sell for so much more than you anticipate. And the lump in the throat when you know when you have found "the one".  And that excited but oh so scary feeling when finally it is SOLD {to you}.  

I am eternally grateful to my mum and dad, for being able to want to do this for Darby and I. As a single parent on one income. I had forgone  the dream of ever living in my own home. It seemed like some far off magical dream, something that would be amazing but one that I had all but written off. So to them who have wanted to set Darby and I up for our most secure future,  I will never have the right words to say or enough gratitude to show. Its sitting in my heart and waiting to flow into our new space. A space I can't wait to fill with such new happy energy. 

Luckily now we are in the house moving stage (2 weeks to go, YAY) , so  to be honest we are past all  of the the hard yards now.  Well if you consider packing light work.  In my little haven I have  found the packing a very therapeutic activity, it has been a way for me to sit and  deal with past hurts that I couldn't bare to  even unveil  back then. Its been an energetic process, I am very aware of how  I have been feeling has been reflected in the energy of our house and have made sure I have been cleansing it on a spiritual level every day. I have been talking to my apartment, as crazy as it sounds. In my own way, I have been saying goodbye, mourning for it and also celebrating the times that have been spent between these four walls.  I have wanted to purge as much as I could. The items that no longer serve a purpose to me anymore.   This I thought would be hard for the sentimental in me, but I have managed to release so much, and with so much more to give as well. 
I must admit I had let myself live in a state of disarray for the past 6 months, scattered, messy, cluttered and it has done nothing but heighten the stress of moving. I knew at some point this move would happen, but not wanting to deal with its emotional enormity.  I am the first to admit I don't like dealing with things  sometimes. I am aware of it, but now its about changing that. About wanting to walk through the yuk and to  deal with things as they arise, not leave them festering away until later, and this has been a perfect example for me of something to work on. 

The emotions that have arisen  have been only  natural, and have shaken me up a lot more than I could imagine. 
My current little haven has been home to my son and I since our family separation 4 years ago. It carries huge memories, memories of him growing from a toddler into a now almost 7 year old.  Memories of the happiness that we have fostered here. We have both celebrated 4 birthdays and 4 Christmases between these walls. There has been so much laughter and the odd tear.  It was the little sanctuary that saved me, and that nurtured me. It allowed me to develop into the person  and mother I am now. 
I carried a whole lot of hurt into here, sadness and adrenaline, from what was a very difficult and heartbreaking time.  It has only  been in the last  year that I have found the forgiveness  and compassion and this is really when I began to heal and evolve.  I have learned to forgive myself for anything I did. I have wanted to stretch out my wings and discover new wonderful lands. 

I have been craving a  new space to carve out the new life I wish to lead now with Darby. As Alice so eloquently said in Alice in Wonderland "I cant go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then"  And that is so true, I am the same, but just a whole  lot different I am finding myself again, I have been slowing shedding the layers of my cocoon.  I realise its just like the butterfly finding her wings. The cocoon that has nestled me oh so lovingly for 4 years is now no longer needed. I am ready to stretch these wings, and see if I can fly! 

Fingers crossed!!! 

1 comment:

  1. A HUGE congratulations lovely girl - this is such a an awesome thing to be happening to such a beautiful duo. I wish you and Darby a lifetime of happiness in your new home xx


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